A Cure for Narcissism

“It’s not about you.” The first line of Rick Warren’s best-selling bookThe Purpose-Driven Life, bothered me so much I put it down and never picked it up again. Although that book impacted the multitudes who read it, my thought seeing the first sentence was: well, it kind of is. I still think that’s true.

The question I asked myself then, and I’ll ask you now is: “Who do you want to be?”

Living A Lie

Many, if not most, of us are self-absorbed and display narcissistic tendencies. In Will Storr’s book, Selfie: How We Became So Self-Obsessed and What It’s Doing to Us, he wrote about the radical ideas that grew out of the 1960s and have now “become enormously prevalent.”

The authentic self is godlike. Our true thoughts and feelings shouldn’t be repressed behind the old-fashioned curtain of ‘manners’. We should ‘be real’ and disparage those who are ‘fake’. Our self is its own justification. What the self wants, it should have. What the self thinks, it should say. The innermost core of man’s nature, the deepest layers of his personality, the base of his ‘animal nature’, is positive in nature [emphasis in original], (p. 141).

As Storr goes on to explain, that’s not true. Exalting self at the core of our being is anything but “positive.”

A Depravity Dilemma

Trying to appease self can lead to a very dark place, especially when we can’t control our circumstances. Operating on the mantra “if it feels good do it,” blew me around like a tumbleweed. Receiving accolades for my work made me happy. People treating me nice built my confidence. Having enough money gave me contentment, at least for the moment. However, too often, I’ve experienced the opposite. And, while battling to gain some sort of control over my circumstances, I didn’t like me much. Or how I treated others so I could get my way. And, I’m not the only one faced with these issues. According to Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell, authors of The Narcissism Epidemic, to put self at the center has “spread to the culture as a whole.”

They not only described the problems, but also challenged individuals to:

think carefully about where we want to go as a culture and who you want to be as a person. We can take the road of narcissism—. . . Along this road we see the signs of greed, self-centeredness, shallow relationships, vanity, social isolation, phony economics, bailouts and blame. Or we can walk a different path, one whose way is marked by responsibility for ourselves, our families, and our communities. The road values the things that bring us joy without harming others, such as close relationships, strong communities, hard work, and passions or hobbies. These things celebrate personal freedom but also responsibility. This path is harder because it is based on reality rather than fantasy (emphasis mine, p. xii–xiii).

Reality is hard. Sometimes circumstances exceed our ability to cope. This past year that’s often been the case. And, it’s why we need to seriously think about our culture and consider that question: who do you want to be?

A Challenging Choice

In John 14:6, Jesus offers a way out of our self-obsessed thinking: I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.” Rather than keep self at the core of our being, we can invite Christ into our lives and enter into a relationship with our Father, His Son, and the Holy Spirit. That’s a decision I had to make and so do you. But the adventure of being a Christ follower isn’t easy.

Putting Christ at the center of our existence requires the decision to die to self. Exchanging what “I” want for what God wants. That’s my daily choice and yours.

In her book, Jesus in Me: Experiencing the Holy Spirit as a Constant Companion, Anne Graham Lotz explains how that act of surrender unleashes God’s power to choose His ways instead of our own:

Although you will always have your old, sin-infected mind, emotions, and will until you join Jesus in glory, you now have His mind to think His thoughts, His emotions to love those you don’t even like, and His will to do the right thing even though you have a strong tendency to do the wrong thing (p. 73).

Living in the truth isn’t always easy, especially when it comes to our responsibility to fight injustice. Sometimes doing what Jesus wants us to do requires taking risks like my sweet young friend, Aleece, did to interact with trafficking victims late at night on the streets of Pomona. Now, this brilliant young woman sacrifices modern conveniences to provide healthcare and comfort to the poorest of the poor in Haiti. For another friend, it meant giving up a beach getaway to donate stimulus money to foster care. My Facebook friend, Janet, sacrifices tremendous amounts of time every week to make meals and deliver them to the homeless. Though I haven’t asked them, they would most likely answer the question: “Who do you want to be?” with “more like Jesus.”  Without Him, most of us are just not that selfless. 1 Corinthians 2:14-16 explains:

A natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised. But he who is spiritual appraises all things, yet he himself is appraised by no one. For who has known the mind of the Lord, that he will instruct Him? But we have the mind of Christ.

Saved From My Self

The choice to put Jesus at the center of my life and replace my ways with His is about me and who I want to be. Do I want my suffering to count for eternal purposes? Do I want to see our great God do beyond anything I can think or imagine? Can I exchange a humdrum existence for a wild tailor-made adventure that makes me more than I ever dreamed possible?

All that doesn’t necessarily mean Rick Warren was wrong. Perhaps if I read his book, I’d see that we arrived at the same conclusion by different means. I don’t know because I still haven’t read it. However, I will say that for me discovering God’s purpose depended upon Jesus loving me enough to die for my self-absorbed sin-filled nature and take the punishment I deserved. 

Because He first loved me, I love Him enough to do whatever I can about social issues like equality, poverty, abused children, and human trafficking. Our culture desperately needs selfless people. Does that mean I always succeed in making the choices God wants me to make? No, not at all. But I’m working at it, and when I fail His grace is sufficient. 

Continuing to operate out of a self-absorbed mindset would mean I’d still be getting blown around like a tumbleweed. But with Jesus, I’ve been given the opportunity to become more like the Windblown Girl–standing firm on a rock-solid foundation of truth with the Bible behind my back, even when life’s winds blow fierce. And, you can do that, too. But it’s your choice.

If you haven’t yet made a deliberate decision for Jesus, I hope and pray you do. If you have, I hope you’ll tell us what it means to you in the comments.

Do you struggle with voices that influence your choices?

Sign up for Patti Townley-Covert's free monthly e-newsletter for insight and tips for making the best decisions. Occasional freebies, too!

You have Successfully Subscribed!