Who do you think wants you to have the best sex ever? Hmmmm, that’s a tough question. Or, is it?

The answer may shock you. It’s our Creator. He designed our bodies for maximum pleasure. The Lord, our God Himself, created sex to be everything we ever hoped it could be, not only for men but for women, too.

After two marriages where I preferred to avoid sex and an affair that taught me how mind-boggling it can be, I discovered the Truth about devastating and unrealistic expectations. (You can read some of that story in The Windblown Girl: A Memoir about Self, Sexuality, and Social Issues.) 

Research in The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended validates and explains my personal experience. For sex to be the intimate delight our Creator intends, exchanging cultural lies for biblical truth can make an incredible difference.

Getting to Know You

Do you remember that song? Deborah Kerr sang this Rodgers and Hammerstein tune in The King and I. Despite the brief time we were together, my Norwegian lover and I made those lyrics high priority. We craved that connection so much that we spent hours talking, getting to know one another as much emotionally and intellectually as physically. We did our best to be honest with each other, although I definitely withheld some of my feelings and suspect he did, too. But, the more we discussed our griefs and joys, our hopes and dreams, the more tightly knit together we became.

Too often, that hunger to really know each other is missing. It was in both my marriages. You may wonder why. Over the years, I think I’ve identified much of the emotional baggage that prevented intimacy. But that’s not the point of this post. What is relevant is how right from the beginning of time, when our Creator made Adam and Eve, He intended couples to get to know one another.

According to The Great Sex Rescue (from here on GSR), the King James Version used the same word in Genesis when describing “making love” as David used while being intimate with the Lord.

And Adam knew Eve his wife (Genesis 4:1)

Search me, God, and know my heart; try me and know my thoughts (Ps. 139:23)

GSR continues:

God wanted us to know that sex is not only a physical act; it’s a deeply intimate one as well. . . . God yearns to know us deeply, and he talks about it in marriage terms because that is the closest approximation we have to the desire God has for us. He created us to long for each other as he longs for us.

That’s why sex was created not only to be physically intimate but to be an emotional and spiritual “knowing” as well. When all three types of intimacy are present–spiritual, emotional, and physical–each works in tandem with the others so that they feed one another (p. 20-21).

My relationship with the Norwegian navigator satisifed me on every level–physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Somehow our knowing even tapped into the spiritual realm despite neither of us having a relationship with Jesus. Perhaps that spiritual oneness happened because we are made in His image. Yet experiencing that deep intimacy outside of marriage led to serious trouble. Both of us carried the consequences of an illicit romance with us most of our lives.

Casual Sex

According to Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Laura Sessions Stepp, in her book Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both, many young women have opted for the same lie I did when I met the Norwegian more than 40 years ago.  In an interview, Sienna, a high-school sophomore asked Sessions:

Who says girls can’t play guys just like guys have always played girls (p. 40)?

That’s exactly what I thought. But as I learned the hard way, when we play, we pay. Stepp’s research indicates that “romantic love insists on developing, even in the world of casual sex (p. 51)” And, when it does, she found that

when today’s girls fall in love, they don’t know how to move the relationship forward. And when love doesn’t materialize, or disappears, they become deeply depressed at losing their partner and the self-control they have spent most of their young lives constructing (p. 54).

When feelings rage out of control, insecurities creep in. Trust, even in a relationship between two people crazy about each other, is eroded by a lack of commitment and past unfaithfulness. That’s the result of sin. Rather, our Creator valued the sexual relationship so much that He designed it to be a part of a lifelong faithful union.

Holy Matrimony

My friend, Julie Roys, described God’s higher purpose for sex in her book Redeeming the Feminine Soul: God’s Surprising Vision for Womanhood. She explains how human sexuality reflects “the mystery of God’s Trinitarian love (p. 40).” Roys expresses her surprise at how

this concept made the marital union something far deeper, more profound, and much nobler than anything I would have ever imagined. And it presented a compelling vision of marriage that was thoroughly complementarian, yet void of any male domination or human selfishness (p. 40).

Herein lies the problem many face in marriage, “male domination or human selfishness.” Obviously selfishness can be true of either sex. Too many marriages are built on selfish motives instead of biblical values. That was certainly true with both of mine. Only a relationship with Jesus teaches us about sacrificial love, and even in that context, it takes a willingness to learn.

 Unbiblical “Christian” Counsel

Cultural lies influence many in the Christian community including counselors. Gregoire and her co-authors exposed one so-called “Christian” resource after another that told women to “have more sex” even though their marriage didn’t include the intimacy necessary for them to enjoy it.

Sex can’t be intimate if you feel like you don’t matter. . . . that’s a pale imitation of what God intended. Sex, after all, is so highly personal. . . . you experience passion in a way in which you are most yourself, in which you let go of control and surrender to the moment. Because of that surrender and vulnerability, sex becomes the culmination of you as a couple, not just you as bodies. It is physical, yes, but it’s so much more than that.

This intense vulnerability may be what holds the key to why emotional closeness makes such a difference to women’s sexual satisfaction: emotional closeness brings trust (p. 29).

Without the respectful communication that develops intimacy, physical pleasure suffers for women and for many men as well.

Duty-Bound

It’s extremely hard to trust someone (male or female, but since I’m a woman I’ll elaborate on that perspective), when they don’t really want to know you or value who you are. Rather a husband may be intent on using a wife for cooking, cleaning, childcare, and for his physical pleasure. When that turns sex into just another duty, it’s certainly not “making love.”

While dating my first husband, I was fascinated by an assignment I was doing for school. His indifference when I tried to tell him about this project, hurt. Over time that indifference spread to every area of our lives, especially after we married. While I was pregnant, he even refused to discuss names.  It was no wonder, I never could trust him with the most vulnerable parts of me. That affected our sex life in a disastrous way.

In contrast, the Norwegian cared even about that old college project. He asked questions wanting to know more. He helped with household chores and the cooking. I don’t recall him ever treating me with less than the greatest respect for my thoughts and feelings. And, we both reaped the benefits. Still the nature of our affair contributed to the lack of trust. The reality was we both cheated. We hadn’t built the proper foundation of trust necessary for a long-term commitment. As a result, any possibilites for the future were doomed from the beginning.

Mutuality

Perhaps if my second husband and I had read The Great Sex Rescue while we were married, it might have made a difference. Despite years of counseling, we simply didn’t have the insights into mutuality that this book offers. Gregorie and her co-authors offer sound advice to both women and men.

If both people genuinely want to change, reading this book and discussing its insights might make even more of a difference than counseling. Especially if husband and wife seek the Holy Spirit’s help together.

Intimacy with Our Creator

The best place to start building the kind of foundation necessary for great sex is through open honest communication with Jesus. He’s the safest place ever, and many of us have emotional issues we need to deal with. Jesus loves each one of us more than we can fathom, no matter what we’re wrestling with. I know because I had numerous conversations with Him about the Norwegian, even while I was married. Jesus already knew how I felt, so there was no need to hide my emotions. And, because I didn’t try, the Holy Spirit helped me deal with them in ways that led to peace and built my confidence. That process also helped me set appropriate boundaries and expect genuine healing. After being single for many years, now I have the intimacy with Jesus that permits me to be satisfied with my life the way it is, even though it’s quite different from what I’d hoped it might be.

Obviously with my history, I’m still learning and probably will be until I die. That’s why I read GSR and am writing this blog post. In addition, I’ve no doubt many deal with some of the same struggles I have. And, I want young adults to know they can find a rich satisfying sex life within marriage. It brings great joy to my heart to see numerous marriages among Christian friends that show evidence of a oneness of spirit. Our Creator designed sex to be an experience of “making love,” not the world’s cheap imitation. Getting to know Jesus and applying biblical principles can make a tremendous difference. Reading The Great Sex Rescue might help too.