Do you ever wish you could find someone who listens–really listens? Someone who can enter into your joys and sorrows, bear your griefs, and celebrate your victories. Children tend to do that, but why is it so hard for us adults?

Learning to listen with love is the key to intimacy. It’s a skill that needs to be cultivated, and as we work on it, maybe others will catch start doing better at it, too. Becoming more aware and intentional can help us listen with love and initiate better relationships.

Lose Your “Self”

Most of us want to talk. We want others to pay attention to us. But to listen with love requires us to stay silent–to care more about what someone else has to say. It necessitates patience and practice. When someone wants to tell us something, it’s not about us. In my attempts to help others, I’d often share my experience until an outspoken friend told me how that came across. She wanted me to hear her. Unless she asked for my advie, she didn’t care about my experience. 

My friend, Lois, first helped me see the difference when someone listens with love. That’s what she does–every time we’re together. She wants to hear me. Sometimes while I ramble on, I hear the very things I need to process a situation. She lets me talk until I’m finished. Gosh I appreciate that. When I’m with her I feel validated. I feel heard. She rarely says much, but has shown me how to be the kind of friend, I want to be. Because Lois doesn’t interrupt me with her experience, when she does say something, I pay attention because I know it’s important. And, don’t get me wrong, we have wonderful back-and-forth conversations. It’s just when I’m processing something, she listens well.

Express Genuine Interest

Lois is not so busy trying to think of what to say that she isn’t hearing what I have to say. She often asks questions, drawing out important details–details that help me think and/or solve problems.

My sister, Valerie, has also learned to listen with love. Last week after I returned from a convention, I wanted to share my joy over some astonishing interactions. I didn’t really need anyone’s input, I just needed someone to listen–to enter into my experience as Val did. She asked questions to learn more of the details. Although we were on the phone, and both of us multi-task during such calls, I could tell she was engaged and not distracted. That meant a lot.

Sometimes, especially when I’m on the phone, I’m tempted to let my mind wander so I’ll have to ask someone to repeat what they’ve just told me because I wasn’t really paying attention. In today’s fast-paced world, too often we get caught up in our own agendas and neglect to focus on those we care about. Valerie’s gotten really good at paying attention and that shows me how to listen with love too.

So does the Bible’s admonition in James 1:19 about being “quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” If I don’t listen well and ask questions, it’s easy to make assumptions that are just plain wrong. How much better our world would be if we genuinely work harder to be interested in what someone else is saying instead of so determined to express our premature thoughts.

Choose Love

When another person is important to us, we can decide to listen with patience even though we might rather be doing something else. My neighbor is in her nineties and frequently gets lonesome, Sometimes I’m tempted to not answer the phone when her name pops up. However, one day I not only answered but also set aside my busy schedule, choosing instead to be available. I was so glad I did. She needed a neighbor who cared, and that’s who I want to be.

We love, because Jesus first loved us. And, He never fails to listen when we talk to Him. Recently I had a powerful reminder of Psalm 55:16 & 17 and how well Jesus listens, as He answered a prayer request from years ago in amazing detail.

As for me, I call to God,
    and the Lord saves me.
Evening, morning and noon
    I cry out in distress,
    and he hears my voice.

Jesus not only provides us with the best example of a good listener, but He offers guidelines in Proverbs 3:3-4 for setting proper boundaries when people are inclined to push a converation too far.

Do not let kindness and truth leave you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart.
So you will find favor and a good reputation
In the sight of God and man.

Allowing someone to disrespect your time isn’t good–far better to speak the truth with kindness. There’s nothing wrong with interrupting when someone is too long-winded to say: “I’m sorry, but I’ve got a meeting to get ready for” or “It’s time for me to get going.” Honesty is appropriate, and when we  listen with love, we’ll be more likely to be kind and clear when it’s time to end a conversation.

If you have someone who listens to you with love, thank them. Appreciate that quality and determine to follow their example. Then consider, who do you need to listen to with love?