Did you know that little Norwegian fella with me in the photo is a Nisse? The story goes that these playful gnomes can be either mischievous rascals or close friends. Defining relationships often helps us figure out if we want to enter into them or not. Is that real-life person untrustworthy, likely to cause you pain? Or are they worth getting to know better?

And, how does that work in sexual relationships?

Does it matter who gratifies that physical craving? Can a stranger satisfy that appetite the way any type of food or drink can quell hunger or thirst? Is sex a meaningless “nothing” as some claim? Or is sex “everything,” to be pursued without regard for feelings or consequences?

If you’re confused, you’re not alone.

What Should I Believe?

There are reasons why trying to figure out the truth about sex became a major theme throughout The Windblown Girl: A Memoir about Self, Sexuality, and Social Issues. My concern began with the major shift in cultural standards during the summer of love in 1967. Then hearing about Woodstock in 1969 bolstered my fears that something was wrong with me.

More than 50,000 hippies had descended onto a dairy farm in Bethel, New York, many consummating ‘free love’ with virtual strangers. Superficial “love” without commitment. I’d always believed sex belonged in marriage. For some reason I didn’t really understand, even
though I hadn’t found wedded bliss, I was still convinced making love should be special. Times were changing. In the midst of so much uncertainty, all I wanted was the stability of a family. Now that ideology made me out of step with the rest of the world—even my mother. All I’d ever wanted was a man who would never leave me and children to raise in a loving two-parent home (p. 6).

Thousands of people having sex with strangers. This troublesome idea made me wonder–what was wrong with me? From Woodstock until today, “hooking up” has increasingly become perceived as the norm. However, people still seem as bewildered as I was, if not more so. Some colleges, maybe even most, promote the idea that sex is nothing more than an appetite to satisfy. Yet, in terms of finding ways to gratify that physical craving, it’s everything.

In her secular book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both, author Laura Sessions Stepp quotes health educator Jill Ringold:

Hooking up is part of the culture, . . . My job is to find a way to make it healthier. That will also make it sexier. (p. 221).

“Sexier?” Is that really what young adults need to be taught? At least one student would rather have scientific resources.

A 90-minute forum or article on ‘how to achieve orgasm’ cannot resolve all the complexities of relationships. What we need is at least a three-credit class on forming, sustaining, and terminating romantic relationships (p. 221).

Very few colleges offer such courses. Sessions goes on to cite a college teacher who promotes this type of instruction. Marline Pearson states:

Young women have no ‘North Star’ for their intimate lives. By that, I mean no vision or expectation for good love, meaningful sex, commitment, marriage or father importance. They have received little guidance on how to build quality relationships, and even worse, they have no vision of quality relationships (p. 222).

I didn’t either. My home didn’t provide role models for “quality relationships,” and no college course could have helped because I dropped out after a year. If I’d stayed a professor might have indoctrinated me into their belief system, but intimacy comes on a much grander scale. The dysfunction in my life led me (and a host of others including those who teach) to a dangerous exploration of sexuality. But thankfully, I’ve learned that even when a million people believe a lie, it’s still a lie.

Research Reveals the Truth

According to many Hollywood icons, sex is the ultimate goal. It’s everything. On shows like “The Bachelor” (with 26 seasons), the gift of a rose determines a person’s value, with little regard for the feelings of those sent home. Overnight dates might involve three sexual encounters after a few dates and yet two of those girls won’t be chosen for the final rose. Their hopes for an engagement are dashed. As long as it makes for good entertainment, no harm done or is there?

When someone says “I have to do what’s right for me” after a sexual union, not only is their identity at stake, but so is their partner’s.

Entire chapters in multiple secular books verify how unhappy many (if not most) young adults are as they try to live the lie of sexual freedom. Chapter 2 in Rethinking Sex by Christine Emba is titled “We’re Liberated, and We’re Miserable.” Women’s liberation has forced many girls and young women into sexual roles they don’t want or enjoy because if they don’t do it, someone else will. For all intents and purposes, men have all the advantages with women at their disposal–and once they’ve satisfied their physical urge, they can move on to someone else. That leads many young women to feelings of worthlessness and depression.

On the inside flap of the book jacket for Cheap Sex: The Transformation of Men, Marriage, and Monogamy, author Mark Regnerus validates that observation:

No longer playing a supporting role in relationships, sex has emerged as a central priority in relationship development and continuation. But unravel the layers and it is obvious that the emergence of ‘industrial sex’ is far more a reflection of men’s interests than women’s.

So What’s A Girl (or Guy) to Do?

Keeping all the books I’ve read in mind, and knowing several men who also want a committed faithful relationship, it’s obvious the “hookup culture” is highly problematic for both sexes. Many men long for intimacy, too, the closeness of really knowing their partner. And, yet some women have no intention of trading their “freedom” for marriage leaving their counterparts also feeling used, worthless, and depressed.

However, there’s hope. In Rethinking Sex, Emba suggests the pathway toward a new ethic.

At the heart of any ethic is a concern about someone other than ourselves, something other than our own desires and our own self-interest (p. 169).

Seems this ethic isn’t new, but as old as time. Genesis 2:23-26 reveals God-given intimacy:

 The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.”

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Love involves opting for someone else’s best good. You can’t achieve that kind of intimacy without getting to know, really know a person. Self-absorbed sex for one’s own gratification was never our Creator’s intention. Abusing sex can lead to dysfunction and brokenness as heartbreaking as overindulging with food or drink.

There’s no doubt God designed sex for pleasure. We’re wired that way. However, as I discovered through hard experience, we’re also wired for a Oneness that only comes with one person, someone who cares more about our best good than he or she does their own. 

So, is sex everything? Or nothing? Or is that imagery so far off base, it ought to be taken off the table?

I Was Not Wrong (And Maybe You Aren’t Either)

The truth is that a powerful physical relationship is intertwined with wholeness of being–two people coming together as one, naked and unashamed, the way our Creator intended within the context of marriage. 

Over the years, I’ve watched incredible role models love one another the way God designed from the beginning. Numerous marriages testify to the satisfaction found in faithfulness, being trustworthy and honest, kind, and gentle. That means loving someone else more than ourselves. It means keeping our eyes on Christ and emulating the way He loved us, enough to sacrifice Himself to save us. By putting our well-being ahead of His own, He allowed us to enter into a lasting relationship of love. It’s clear to me that’s what most of us really want.